Balloons ! Apples!
Babies and your smile
Things I love
Parks and sitting awhile

Parades! Presents!
Kittens and your laugh
Things I love
Fishing and the raft

Ice cream! Music!
Mountains and our talks
Things I love
Sunsets and morning walks


Cotton candy! Peanuts!
Myself and you
Things I love
Clowns and morning dew

Fears, monsters and insecurity diminish
Worms don't eat my soul and make me cry
Hatred, boogiemen and the past fade
Attics are all gone and spiders die.

Hello Susan
Where do you
Come from
I got here
From hell
Do you realize
The pain
Going back there
With feelings
I've blanked out
So much
Remembering
Hurts
Bad

I can see your face
Hear you wonderful laugh
And even smell your essence
That puts a smile on me
When I am lost and alone

When I'm in your space
The clowns' make-up gone
I open the windows and doors
You come into me slowly
Take my hand and give me love

Walls of fear
Built from utter terror
Slowly torn down
Left open in part
But rebuilt of golden
Blocks of pure love
Windows now, eyes to
See and guard
Doors of oak
To shut out the dark

Sandboxes are for playing
Little children laugh and cry
Build your castles big and strong
Before you grow old and you die

Trucks and dolls are for fantasies
Little children smile and sigh
Build your dreams while you can
Before your time comes and you die

Life and breath are for real
Little children work hard and try
Build yourself real strong and sure
Death is always stalking and you die

Allowing "TheRapist"

From across the room
You look so sure of yourself
But I know
I've been there
I sense your fears

My own self worth is low
I am so lost and alone
But you know
You have been here
You feel my pain

We know love and compassion
We know hurt and confusion
I'll trust you to touch my soul
May I touch you?

Gifts to me

Myriad dreams flying high in the sky
The land like grains of sand in my hand
Whispered thoughts free as the waves
On a beach
Love so encompassing but soft as
A gentle rain
These are special gifts I give to me

For Her

My head is in a spin
Like a child's toy top
My feet have not touched
The sweet ground in days
My stomach is so full
Of you I cannot eat
I am love struck lovesick
And high on your heat

TheRapist

I need to be held.
Someone hold me
Rock me
Nurture me
In a safe place
Where I can trust
And not be used
I come again to one
Who understands my need
And respects my body
And my soul
I am held
With integrity and caring
I learn
That it is possible
To be loved

Thursdays and The Rapist

Her words
Puts away the monsters
Her touch
Locks the death door
Her look
Can open the life door
Her caring
Takes away the worms
And worms can eat your soul

Thoughts

Roads of death
Winding down the hill
I can see the tranquility
I can feel the serenity
Which door
Which death

Family

Where were you when I needed you?
What you didn't know
You might have guessed
But you chose to overlook
Because to see was painful
I bore your pain
Plus all of mine
While you ignored me
Where in the hell were you?

God take away this awful time
I cannot hold my hatred in
And I'm afraid to let it fly
If I let it go
Outside a safe environment
It may hurt someone innocent
God give me a safe place
A safe person
Who can help me be
Without destroying someone else
Or me

Alone

A little girl of seven
Sits on the front steps
Alone
Pensive
She carries a burden
So unacceptable and heavy
She cannot let it into her thoughts
She only feels its weight
Inside her unnamed

The child is not a child
Except in stature
She sighs
In infinite sadness and despair
As she bears her burden
Alone

Daddy

Why do you hate me Daddy?
I'm a nice girl
I behave
I do what Mommy tells me
And I talk nice to all grown-ups
Look, Daddy
See?
I smile
I hardly ever cry anymore
But you want more
What is it you want?
I'll do anything you say
I want you to like me
Please

Twelve

One terrible night
You asked too much
I was twelve
Far too small and young
To resist
My tears burned my eyes
And my throat filled with lead
I swallowed
Until I turned into a statue
A metal sculpture
I would never
Be warm again

Parenting

Hearts of stone
In the two parents
Breeding orphans
Lost lonely kids
Grown old at five
Immature at thirty-eight

Not wanted or needed
Left at Satan's gate
Flowers don't grow
In dark closets
Kids don't feel
In the devils home

Don't laugh or cry
I'll give you a reason
Fire shines in his eyes
Master of all his kids
Fear is his crown
The strap is his robe

Tears

I was four
(Or maybe two)
I cried
Because Mother left for a luncheon
And I wanted to go too
You were there to take care of me
I cried too long
And you hit me hard
I never forgot
I hardly ever cry anymore

Fear

Fear is still a way of life
Afraid of closets
Being in a boat on the lake
Or alone in an elevator
Of dark streets
Anger
Hunting trophies
Men
Attics
My body
Blocked doorways
Men
Shotguns
Loud reveling
Fear of never being able
To let someone love me

Self Hate

What I cannot bear
Is knowing that I wanted you
Not in spirit
Only in body
I hate that predictable response
Of a young woman
To a demanding
Skillful man
I hate that realty
Because it was me
I cannot forgive
I live the intolerable misery
Of hating not only you
But me

Dying

Sometimes I wished I would be
A happily ever after princess
Or that I would die
It bothered me if I died
You might not care
Faced with dying
I preferred to put the living thoughts
And memories away
Deep in my head
Where no one could see
Not even me
I died
Inside

Stick Figure Father

Stick figure father
Laying on your bed of death
Watching you hurt and cry
Which will be your last breath?

Stick figure father
Once so big and bold
Beating away my life
Showing me love is cold

Stick figure father
No funeral when you die
There will be no mourners
And I will finally cry

Stick figure father
Spending life in sin
Oh you will fight this battle
But father, death will win

Voids

Children always around loving
Old men that need me
Spectacular sunsets and sunrises
Mountains kissed by the sun
Fields painted with the dew
All this is mine to behold
But it never fills me up
The void of voids
Dwells in my soul
Searching, wandering, wanting

I think I need you
I hold you and you me
We become drenched in love
But still I feel so alone
How can I ever be filled?
I look through the eyes of hope
Trying not to give up
Fighting the urge to die
Always trusting I'll be whole
And knowing I will be disappointed
I still break for rainbows

The Mourning After

Rest in the dark shadows
Weary for I have traveled far
Through the thick cold forest
Trudging on through bogs and moors
Skating over freshly iced quicksand
Lost, cold and frightened at times
Snakes slithering about my feet
Demons clawing at my heels
Islands crying in the sun
Rocks eroding from drops of love

Standing in myriad shadows
Fog lying gentle on my back
Mist dancing in my face
Rainbows resting on my breast
Playful elf's tickling my toes
Drops of fresh dew in my eyes
Laughter of children urging me on
Fairies dancing in the moonlight
Her hand searching in the darkness
Mine reaching out to touch love